give 'em my conviction notice

[Joseph Kennedy]

12/26/08

Mood: fucking depressed
Listening to: porcupine tree

I never admit when I'm depressed, but I guess I just made an exception.
I'm not going into detail, but to make a long story short:

I binged. Seb came. I had my first panic attack in three years. Shit happened. The end.
Now fuck off.

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[Joseph Kennedy]

12/26/08

Mood: blank. fuck.
Listening to: more porcupine tree

I know Seb didn't mean it, and I know for a fact that's it's fucking true. I mean, I say it to myself all the time. But it's just... when someone else calls you a fuckup - even as a joke - it's different than you jokingly poking fun at yourself. It fucking hurts, and I'm man enough to admit that. Well, here anyway. I just hope to God no one reads this.

The funny thing is, I was completely serious. I think Seb actually got it though, when he fuckin'...
Fuck it. I'm never changing. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Yeah, I guess you could say Seb saved my life...or whatever the fuck you wanna call it. But...
Dammit. I have nothing else to say. Fuck writing. Fuck Seb. Fuck me. Fuck Dai, fuck Mort, fuck fuck fuck FUCK!
FUCK LIFE.

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[Joseph Kennedy]

12/27/08

Mood: shut down
Listening to: MORE porcupine tree

I've told Seb too much. Wait I haven't told him anything. But... he knows too much. Never again am I letting anyone in that close.
They take advantage of it and use it against you. And they fuck with you, and don't let you do what you know you need to fucking do. And they...

What am I talking about?

Oh yeah. No more journaling for me either. It's too damn risky. Who knows who fuckin' reads this things.

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[Joseph Kennedy]

05/14/09

Mood: seriously?
Listening to: bad religion

I'd attempt to fill you in on everything that's gone down, but really, I don't think it's worth it, nor do I have the time to sit here and write for a few days straight. You can infer, alright?
Who 'you' is I have no idea, but really, it doesn't fucking matter.
Let's start from the arrival in Michigan, yeah?
Yeah.

So Seb and Corey ended up in Michigan, for whatever reason. To visit Corey's folks I think. Oh yeah they're dating now, by the way. Just throwing that out there...
So anyway, I was like "hey, I'll fucking go to," cause I grew up in Detroit with Seb and my parents live there and...whatever. So I ended up using Seb's money and flying up there too.
Corey's parents are shit heads and way too overprotective. I'm shocked they don't have him in fucking diapers. Seriously. Or at least with one of those binky things in his mouth..but then again that would be suspicious cause those "disgusting raver kids" use those things cause E apparently makes you grit your teeth. I wouldn't know.
Wait...I actually would.
But anyway, yeah they put him under house arrest or something. I can't really remember. I think I spent that night downtown.
I came across that same little alley way again, and to be quiet honest, it almost felt like...home, I guess. Well, more home than actually home felt like. I mean, yeah, I got a bit antsy when I went there but still. It was like..a good/bad feeling I guess. So whatever, I spent the night there. And the next day I met Corey's parents and they hated me. Big shocker there.
Oh yeah, I visited mom. She was overjoyed to see me. So overjoyed, in fact, she slammed the door in my face and called me a failure.
We went on Seb's roof again. That was a nice little break, I guess. Too bad there were way too many memories for comfort and I nearly cried in front of everyone. Well. It's not like Seb hasn't seen me cry.
Seb told me he got depressed again, which really...sucks. 7th grade wasn't exactly the best time, and... well let's just say I was able to handle things a bit better back then. He was expecting my help through this and I gotta admit, I've kinda done nothing but make it worse, or so it seems. I guess I feel bad about it, but there's not much I can do. I'm a fuckup, y'know? That's just what fuckups do.
So whatever, I bought some heroin from this guy and shot up in the alley. Seb flipped his shit and wouldn't talk for like...an entire day. Somehow we worked it out, though. And then I visited my dad and of course my mom had to come in and bitch and just stamp her little foot on my head farther into the ground (as if I can get any lower?) and basically call me trash and an embarassment to her perfect little family. Whatever. I don't care anymore.

Oh yeah, also my liver kinda failed on me then I got a transplant and now this one is fucked up too so now apparently I'm dying. Or so the doctor tells me. Who knows what to believe these days? But for the mean time I gotta take this medication that I swear, makes me feel like I gotta puke every five minutes. I kinda stopped eating altogether. I haven't actually had food in...like four or five days. Not that I hate food I just... I have no appetite. And hey, I'm not gonna eat if I'm not fucking hungry.

I gotta say, though. I've been feeling pretty horrible for past few weeks. Not that I ever feel great, but I think I've hit some kind of new low. At least, that's what it feels like. Maybe cause I can't 'use' anymore...maybe that's why it feels worse. Cause I actually have to face shit now instead of blocking it out.
Fuck. I need help. I'm just digging this hole deeper and deeper, and I have no idea how the hell to get myself out of it. I've tried everything I know how to do, and no matter what, it's completely useless.
I NEED HELP.

P.S. I can't believe I just admitted that...

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